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| alone |
| 02.02.05 (5:05 pm) [edit] |
Do you ever think about how amazing it is how alone you can feel- when there are so many people around you caring for you? It's the weirdest thing to me.
I am surrounded by people telling me they love me, caring for me, helping me. Doing everything they can to show me they care. and I feel so alone, more alone every day.
I wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and want to die. I have been really sick for about a year now. They have sent me to doctors, and I just told them what they wanted to hear and got out. Now my parents have given up on me, and my school is making me have weekly meetings with the guidance counselor. they feel sorry for me, i guess. they know my mom doesn't see me. and i just can't seem to open up. every single week i go and sit in front of my guidance counselor. she's really smart, and she gets me. when i'm upset, she seems to understand why- without me having to say anything. and for some reason i have to push her away. she gets me. she's the only one who gets me--and i sit there, tell her exactly what she needs to hear to think im OK, then i leave. and somehow, i feel that i've won in some way. i'm so confused. i know i'm sick. and i'm so scared of getting help. i'm scared of not getting help. i can't open up- but i want to so badly. i was just hoping by doing this blog thing that i might find someone to talk to. an adult maybe..who can help me- just be there to talk to. i need someone older than me who has been through hard times-- people my age just blow it off. and maybe it is stupid. they all think i have an eating disorder. i don't know. i hate having to think about food all the time, but i can't help it. i hate having to throw up whenever i do eat, but i have to. i'm so tired of having to be the prize daughter..straight A student, always happy, always there to help others. and then when they try to help me- i just can't open up. i cannot let someone who i see on a regular basis know that there is anything wrong with me. and what is wrong with me? i am so confused. i just need someone...someone. i think i might go crazy.
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| First Blog |
| 02.02.05 (4:35 pm) [edit] |
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I have never done a blog before. I heard about this from a woman I know and it seemed pretty cool. I figured I'd try this out just for a place to get things out and talk and stuff- where people I know won't be able to see it. Not really sure what I'm supposed to do though.
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